Sunday, 20 November 2011

Why? Why? Why?

Hasil Ketak Ketik Magic Spell Witch Vera at Sunday, November 20, 2011
Como estas people? :)

Long times again, haven’t updated this dearie blog of mine. The truth is that, I have got a lot to talk as much as many things in my mind right now, but I just do not know how to tell it, I do not even know where to begin.

Recently, I was deeply in enjoyment of Bruno Mars’ songs. I downloaded some of his songs and listen to it, over and over again. No, it’s not that I have become one of his fanatic fans; I valued his talents and the feelings in his songs. For me, his music; even without much music instruments, there’s something inside it that deeply represent someone’s feeling.

I am not going to talk about Bruno Mars, too many has done it. Can’t you sense my unusual listen to one artist’s songs, over and over again? Since then, I sensed something isn’t right with my mind, with my whole mind recently. I kept on repeating things; I kept on doing certain things to myself.

My fear is that – someone might call me crazy, in the future. I did not even know, why I couldn’t cry while I feel hurts and pains all around my small heart now. I couldn’t tear up!

I tried hard to refocus on nice things around me – people, friends, activities, games, movies, everything that is seemed fun; but I just couldn’t get away with the gloomy feeling in me! It’s a huge shadow of sadness and I am developing my fears of it, by each day passed.

Having people that we love, sometimes they seem like useless. It hurts to realize that, but can’t do anything when it comes to deal with our own feeling. Where all the people that loved me have gone? I doubt it, if ever someone has truly loved me from deep of their heart. If so, why I can’t feel you until now? Until I’ve been broken?

I missed those days where I can laugh from my heart, and I can cry out whenever I feel sad. Now – to laugh is just an act, I am pretending; to cry, I just could not make it!

I know this is not right. I must not continue to have these feelings when there are many more things that I have to settle down. But where could I go? I need someone to talk about, but there’s no one come into my mind whenever I think about that ‘someone’. I know some may say ‘Come, talk to me’ but I just feel that they’re not sincere enough to listen to it. After all, an ‘emo’ has been levelled a bit down from those normal people right? (I never wished to be like that! NO!)

How long again I could hold this? Every day it burns me out, eating every pieces of strength and courage that left of me. I am getting weaker and rotten inside. Who’s to notice that? Get hell out of my way for those who just feel want to laugh if you read this.

This is – after all, not a nice thing to read, do you? I am just scribbling around. Put my feelings into words in hope that I would feel better, but it’s not. There’s too much left inside there, and I just feel one way to finish it all – take out my brain out of my head and all kind of feelings out of my heart!

I’m sorry. Am I frightening you out? Don’t worry, I couldn’t frighten you because it’s me who is being frightened by my own self now…

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