Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Heart's Black Holes

Hasil Ketak Ketik Magic Spell Witch Vera at Wednesday, December 14, 2011
4.05 A.M, on 14 December 2011.

It’s already in the 4th Week of Advent and Christmas would be here very soon. I am still like this, be stucked in things that I do not know where it will lead me to. I am rushing for many-many assignments and works, but I think that I did not move any of them. Sigh.

Life must go on. Life must go on. That is what I always told to myself. But at certain point, I just found that I actually could not move on with these sayings or principals anymore; as if there is something, always not right with them.

Listening to this song ‘Head Above Water’ by Theory of a Deadman, kind of likely the best song to express my feeling right now. I wonder if there is anybody out there who has ever felt things the way I felt right now. Felt useless and meaningless, and down to nothing. I could not blame or compare myself with the others because I know that they must have their own struggles too. That would not be fair to have comparison with them.

It must be something wrong with the way I am thinking now. I must have done big mistakes in the past, which caused me to suffer in this way. It is not the pain of physical hurts, but rather a misery of the thoughts that - You clearly know that you actually could do things better, better than anyone who you know could do the same thing, but you just could not make it. Something is stopping me and the feeling is just so bad.

I am very sorry to all of my lecturers. I knew that they must be very disappointed with me. It’s not my intention to abandon things just like that; it’s just that – I could not explain it. I do not know how to turn things better again, I am helpless and it’s killing me slowly.

Dear God, Forgive me for being a bad child….. :(

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