Thursday, 26 April 2012

When Everything Is Turned Around, Ups And Downs

Hasil Ketak Ketik Magic Spell Witch Vera at Thursday, April 26, 2012
Spells Started at 5:05PM, on 26 April 2012.

Hello All, :)

Life is really hard for me recently. I couldn't focus much and easily feels like I want to give up. I've been missing few classes continuosly and I felt really bad about it. Really really bad. I know that it is not a good thing. Since my primary school, I've been taught by teachers, not to miss classes and important activities and I did agree on it. But, how come I be like this. Be one of those who missed their classes? I kept on asking myself actually, Vera what has happened that your life has turned to be like this. This is not You.

Was it because of my decision to join in SRC? To say so, I'm not certain because I just felt that there's something else going on with my life. Was it because of relationships? I'm not certain too because I've been always thinking that it would come someday. Was it because of financial problems? I'm not certain for I'm still OK with expanses although I've been starting to feel this problem would come very soon. But I promise to myself would try not to trouble my parent and my family with my problems. They have had enough difficulties over there, and as the eldest, I should be standing still - try not to trouble or adds more problems to them.

Today, as I presented in class, I felt empty. Everyone is like dolls, just their eyes are moving a bit, obviously was looking at me. But again, they were empty. Feels like they were telling me to finish my speech as fast as I could. Before, I was stunted with someone's answer when I asked about where's the class- 'Hi, it's 207 right?' . I just wanted a confirmation on the location and the room number. The answer I need is very simple 'Yes' or 'No' and even if it's 'No' she could just give me some little corrections. To my surprise she replied me 'Why don't you just go here?'. She added my confussion. She might be 'geram' with me but after all she's my junior. I don't ask for a high respect but why don't she tried to understand my situation? Before I was hurt by her once too when she said 'That's it. Who asked you to go for HK, that now you have to do your LI during the 4 Months Holiday Break?'. I felt like want to cry when I heard it. Even my parent didn't question me about it. But she was judging me before she know the real thing. To say that I hate her (If I could), I couldn't. She come from the same state with me. I will just let it go. But, I couldn't see her anymore as someone that I could respect.

Honestly, I don't feel like I'm part of the school anymore. I've been punished in silence by the way they treated and look at me. No one is informing me or try to remind me about something going on in the school and I felt abandoned. Every time I step into the class now, I feel like as if I'm an alien, someone not familiar to them. Can you imagine the feeling? Even to ask questions and some helps, I am speechless. It is really awkward. I couldn't look into their eyes as I see it as they are laughing at me. Fake smiles. Pretending smiles. Forced smiles. Am I becoming that - really a 'Nobody' to my own schoolmates? If it so, then maybe it's my fate. All I could do is to continue, with the strength left of me.

When I try to imagine Graduation Day, I feels like want to cry. I wonder how many of my classmates would come and at least shake their hand with me. How many of them would offer me, at least one click of photo of us together by their camera. And I wonder, would I be called into the group to have picture together and throw the graduation hat into the air? Remembering that, I feels like that I shouldn't let my parent come and see my Graduation Day. I don't want them to see how bad my situation here, and I don't want them to wonder why there are none of my classmates coming and see me. It hurts me, but it hurts them too. Maybe during my graduation day. I would just slip out from the crowd and give a phone call to my parent "Yama, Yapa, I've got my scroll already". And after that, give a call to my sister "I've finished here, let's get out for some nice dinner?".

My school would organize an annual dinner, in three weeks time later but I'm still in dilemma. Should I attend it? I want to because this would be the last, but I just feel that I'm not worth to be celebrated in the function. I'm touched with how some of my juniors approached me and asked for my details and even asked me for a performance, but I felt really embarrased of myself. I'm not that good senior, why would I be there and pretend I'm happy to be graduated soon? I couldn't. I asked my aunt to scan some of my young kids' picture and emailed it to me, because they are needed by one of my juniors - and I - tried hard not to cry when she laughed at me. She said "now they'll see how fat you were".. I just can whisper to my heart "I'm not even sure will they see it, and even if they do, will they notice me?".. I don't know.

I should be glad that I have at least few friends in USM but none of them can be considered as my 'best friends'. Those I know as bit closer, have their own groups and affairs that I feel it wouldn't be appropriate to be in them. I have CUS friends, and most of my friends are coming from there but as I told you, I couldn't say I'm that close to them. Whenever there are rumors or interesting things going on in the family group, I could be one of the last persons to know. There are just too many secrets and it really hurts when you know about it but you just don't have the 'so-called-intimacy condition' to know it the same way they know it. I don't care about some personal affairs going on in this family group but somehow, it affects me too... After a while.

Those who knows me, maybe never know my situation is actually is like this. I'm just trying to be strong, but I'm reaching to the point that I couldn't take it anymore...

Now, I just can put my only trust to God. Rely on Him that He would tell me what to do... I, really don't know what my life would be but I still want to believe that God will make everything beautiful on its time. I'm just wondering what could He use me, what could He do with my broken life...

If only I could be the fat little girl again.....

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